Dubai-Dubai-Doo

تحية من دبي!  Dubai is, indeed, the Las Vegas of the Middle East.  This means that there are more neon lights than grains of sand, and even though liquor is not legal outside of hotels, it flows to feed a never-ending party.  The key difference is in women’s dress: all Emirati women wear the abaya- the long, black covering that minimizes one to hands, feet, and eyes.  Emirati women are very wealthy and stylish, though.  As one American man at the airport felt the need to share with me, “the women here cover up everything with those stupid black gowns, but then they put on their stripper heels anyway!”  I say if sassy shoes are the only way you’re allowed to accessorize in public, sass onward.

The emirate of Dubai has managed to spend money on the most wasteful and garish of projects.  It is home to the man-made palm tree-shaped island chain and the sailboat-shaped skyscraper.  They like things that have shapes.  It’s as if a four-year-old with a lot of money dreamed up all of the development plans.  It is also home to everyone except actual Emiratis, who make up a tiny proportion of the population, but control all of the political, social, and actual capital.  If it would make you feel good to know that you and all of your friends drive Ferraris or Bentleys, you may fit in well here. 

On the upside, there are lots of figs and pistachios to go around.  And lots of Indian food.  Because everyone who lives here is from India.  Their passports are often kept by their employers, making them essentially modern-day slaves without the rights to free movement or even resignation from their jobs.  Oops, back to the downsides!  Other rumors of slavery center around children who are sold by their families to- wait for it- ride as jockeys in camel races.  Yup.  The lucrative camel gambling business demands the tiniest of riders for success, so why not sell your smallest people for a few extra bucks in your pocket?!  Unrestrained free markets are great!

One really nice thing about Dubai is that it’s super safe.  You can walk down a dark alley at night waving cash around and no one will touch you.  How do they achieve such remarkable public safety, you ask?  Well, they dole out justice old-school style.  Steal money?  Wave goodbye, one last time, to your hands.

Dubai is a balmy 9 zillion degrees in July.  Plenty of humidity to suffocate everyone.

To compensate, cabs are kept at a refreshing 40 degrees.  Women are pressured to take the pink “Ladies’ Taxi,” which is meant for women traveling with women, women traveling with men, and women traveling with children.  The pink-clad female driver told me during one ladies’ taxi ride that any woman who takes the regular taxi is trying to ruin the family of the male driver.  Mmmkay.  Afghan drivers solved this problem by removing the rearview mirrors instead of creating an entirely segregated transportation system.  Let’s not split hairs about the solution.  Either way, I really just wish women would stop trying to get men so ruffled all the time!  Just by, like, being alive and going places and whatnot.  Jeez.

Speaking of women, I was the only one everywhere I went.  Of course, nothing prompts a good stare quite like being the only of something.  When I asked the server at an Indian restaurant if it was okay for me to be there, he said ‘oh, it’s just too hot out for ladies right now.  They might come to eat dinner later.”  This man also pressured me to eat the aluminum foil attached to an almond paste dessert, which he called “silver” and claimed was really good for my health.  I used my iphone to check and see whether I’d be at risk of dying if I ate it, and my iphone said, “you are eating at a hole-in-the-wall Indian restaurant where food costs fifty cents in a country that is 9 zillion degrees.  March on with your zany food safety adventures and eat the foil!”

Speaking again of women, I visited a mosque and attended a talk about Islam for non-Muslims.  Non-Muslims are not typically allowed into Mosques, so this was a special opportunity to see what interesting things were happening in Mosque-ville.  The tour and talk were given by a British expat who snagged herself a nice Emirati man and converted in her 20’s.  She delivered her “Islam for Dummies” lecture and addressed ignorant questions from the crowd, many of whom seriously showed up wearing shorts and tank tops.  (The information about the visit clearly stated that headscarves were required.  Did those Canadian girls in the short, strapless sundresses seriously think they were appropriately dressed for a Muslim country, much less a mosque??!  Strapless dress + headscarf = perfectly modest ensemble??  I enjoyed watching a man unflappably hand them their abayas and headscarves.  If I lost 19 pounds sweating in my long-sleeved shirts and long pants, they deserved to suffer, too).

Anyway, the talk was quite interesting, and informative, save the bizarrely weak explanation of how generous it is for men to take multiple wives, those lucky ducks.